Mind Games

I've been thinking up this post for a few weeks now. I guess I didn't even realize what has been happening until I faced my in-laws at Christmas who hadn't seen me in almost 4 months. I had already lost a majority of my weight the last time I saw them, but these last 10ish lbs have really seemed to make a huge difference.

I received the comments "you are tiny," "you are bony" (ahem, totally not bony at all. These curves are staying put.), "you better not lose any more weight" .... yeah those comments. The carefully disguised compliments, if you will. I was taken back a little at first but I realize these comments were not intended to be rude or mean. I did, however, examine my body a little closer in the mirror before getting in the shower (also see: naked).

I searched for these protruding bones and this tiny person they spoke of. Only? She was nowhere to be found. In fact, I realized, when I look in the mirror I don't look any different to myself than I did 34 lbs ago. How can that be? This is when I discovered the Mind Games.

Don't get me wrong, in pictures I see a huge difference. It's all right there laid out for me. I see it. I'm not oblivious. But in the mirror? I see the same person. My body looks no different to me. Losing weight has been a giant mind game to me. When shopping in stores? I think twice before grabbing a size. I think that people around me are judging me to be one of "those" girls who think she's one size when she really should be wearing one or two sizes larger. We all know at least one person like that, am I right?

Bear with me. I feel great in my new body. I am grateful to be a smaller, more healthy person. That's what it's really about to me at this point. I'd rather be healthy than skinny. I've mentioned this before, but I'm not really trying to lose any more weight. My goal now is to get fit, get healthy, get toned. Maybe then I'll see more of a difference in the mirror?

I'm not sure where this post is actually headed. I guess it's just a way for me to get my thoughts out of my head and into words. I guess it's me discovering that losing weight for me isn't only a physical journey but it's also a mental journey. And? It's a journey I'm looking forward to walking in 2012.