Advice

Almost two years ago, my mom sent me this newspaper clipping as my wedding day approached. Every once in a while I like to read it as a nice reminder of the important things. I hope you enjoy :)

"Mom gives daughter advice as wedding day nears"

Something about weddings makes those of us who've been married a long time want to offer the newlyweds our advice.

It's cheaper than a blender. And they can always re-gift it to somebody else.

Five days before my daughter's wedding, when I should be awash with words of wisdom, the only advice I can recall is what my grandmother told me half a lifetime ago:

"Honey," she said, "don't start doing nothing that you don't plan to keep up forever."

Not bad advice. But I wanted to offer my daughter a bit more to reflect upon. So I sifted through years of old columns to glean the following suggestions from readers on "Tips for How to Stay Married":

1. Listen to each other. Seek first to understand before trying to be understood. When you are wrong, say you are sorry. When you are right, shut up.

2. Don't tie a half-hitch knot. Plan to stay married forever.

3. Never go to sleep angry. Keep talking until you get over it or forget why you were mad.

4. Laugh together. If you can laugh at yourself, it'll be easy.

5. Never embarrass, criticize or correct one another in public; try not to do it in private, either.

6. Remember one of life's ironies: We are least lovable when we need love most.

7. Don't expect perfection. It doesn't exist. If it did, it would bore you spitless.

8. On days when you don't like each other, try to remember that you love each other. Pray for the good days to come again, and then act as if they have.

9. Tell the truth, only the truth, and always with great kindness.

10. Kiss for at least 10 seconds every day without fail; do it all at once or spread it out.

11. Examine your relationship often. Know its vulnerabilities. Keep it moving in the direction you both want it to go.

12. Be content with what you have materially, honest about where you are emotionally and never stop growing spiritually.

13. To love someone is to wish them the best; always wish each other nothing but the very best.

14. Never yell unless the house is on fire. Speak softly when you argue. Whisper when you fight. Keep it fair and show some class. Hurtful words can be forgiven, but they can never be taken back.

15. Be best friends, as well as lovers. In a blackout, share the flashlight. Then turn it off and make your own electricity.

16. Show by your actions as well as your words that the person you married comes first in your life. Let nothing and no one come between you.

17. Remember that you're in love. Kiss in elevators. Hold hands in movies. Lock eyes across a crowded room. Say, "You are beautiful and I love you." Then say it again.

18. Never miss an anniversary, a birthday or a chance to make a memory. Memories may not seem important now, but one day you will treasure them.

19. Take care of business. Pay your bills, change your oil, cut your grass, call your mother.

20. Open your home and your hearts to angels unaware. Teach Sunday school. Coach Little League. Feed the homeless. Talk to strangers. Pick up trash. Make something beautiful of your life together.

Finally, I thought of one last thing I want to say to my daughter and my soon-to-be son-in-law: Do what you want. Lead your own lives. Follow your own callings. Be an interesting person, each of you on your own. But always save your best for each other.

And in the end, you will know that you were better together than you ever could have been apart. It will make the world a better place for you and your children. And it will make your mama very proud.

-Written by Sharon Randall 

My Sister, Mother & Me before my wedding. Photo by Amanda Sharp.

May 8, 2010. Photo by Amanda Sharp.

The Story of Us

One Monday night in June after slaving retail hours I met my Dad and my friend Katie out at a local burger place for dinner and a few drinks. I was still swearing off guys at this point and had no interest in anything other than having fun and living my single life. Across the bar sat a seemingly good-looking guy wearing a hat. My friend Katie kept nudging me saying, "Ashley, that guy keeps looking over here! He's hot!" Being the newly carefree bad ass that I was I quickly snapped back, "I can't even see his face with that stupid hat over his eyes."

Fast forward to the next night, Tuesday (see I told you I was living the party life... two week nights out at two different bars. Who was I?!). It was karaoke night at another local bar. I met Katie and a group of friends out. It was my turn to buy our group a round of drinks but the bar was full. I hesitantly tapped on a random guy's shoulder (hesitantly because he was sitting with a girl) to ask him to get the bartender's attention. He puts his hand up, waves, the bartender sees him, brings him another beer, and then disappears. "Damn, I was about to leave, I didn't even want another drink!" says the guy. I told him not to worry about it and that I'd pay for it since he was trying to help me out.

The next thing he says... "Hey, weren't you at Cheeseburger in Paradise last night?" I flash back through my mind. Oh my goodness, it's the guy in the hat! "Oh yeah! I think I saw you there!" He wasn't wearing a hat tonight and I could clearly see he was not only seemingly good-looking but actually was full-blown good-looking. We talked the rest of the night and exchanged numbers since he was new to the area and looking to meet cool people (which obviously, I was. Ha.) Oh, and that girl he was with? Just a friend. He thought she was a cool person too but it turns out she was pretty lame.

Moving on, it turned out we were both single as of 8 months ago. I knew I was going back to Arizona in a few months so I really wasn't looking for anything more than a friendship. He didn't want anything serious either. Except, you know what happens to plans? Yeah. It got serious. So in September we drove cross-country together from PA to AZ to take me, my car, and my belongings back to ASU.

Denver, CO - one of our stops on our cross-country trip

One of Shawn's trips to AZ

One of my trips home to PA

At this point we were both a little hesitant since our relationship was so new. Long distance after only dating a couple months? Yeah right. I still had 1.5 years of college left (I was on the 5 year plan since I transferred and lost a ton of credits). But, it worked. I flew home and/or he flew to Arizona each month. The long distance sucked but we made it work. We got through it. It wasn't easy, but we did it. And now we're married, so overall I'd call that a success story.

Shawn is the most hard-working, motivated, and self-sufficient person I have ever met in my entire life. He has drive like you wouldn't believe. The word "can't" does not exist in his vocabulary. Failure is not an option for him. Like I said, he's a rule-breaker and does not let anyone hold him back. He has given me motivation and drive that I didn't even know I had in me. He makes me want to be a better person. We balance each other out like crazy yet in some ways we are so similar it's scary. I married Shawn not only for the man he is today, but for the father I know he will be in the future. Our story is still relatively new, but I am really looking forward to all the chapters yet to come.